I'm Tired of Women Not Being Believed
On being doubted, being dismissed, and the two words women most need to hear from each other.
There is something I have been carrying around lately, and I think I need to say it out loud.
I am tired.
I am tired of watching women tell the truth about what happened to them and seeing the first question become whether we believe them.
I am tired of watching stories about women being assaulted, abused, exploited or humiliated become another headline we scroll past before moving on with our day.
I am tired of seeing powerful men surrounded by people, institutions and money that seem capable of making consequences disappear.
And I am tired of the quieter versions of the same thing: the things that happen to women every day that never become headlines.
The quieter versions
A woman goes to the doctor knowing something isn't right and is told it's probably her hormones.
A woman says she's in pain and is told to wait.
A woman says someone made her uncomfortable and is asked whether she misunderstood.
A woman says she was assaulted, and suddenly she is the one being examined.
What was she wearing?
Why was she there?
Had she been drinking?
Why didn't she leave?
Why didn't she report it?
Why did she wait so long to say something?
Why can't she remember every detail?
Again and again, the burden falls on the woman to prove that what happened to her really happened.
And I am tired of it.
This is personal for me
I know what it is like to have something happen to you that changes the way you understand the world.
I was raped by four young men from privileged families. Two were still in high school; two were in college. None of them faced meaningful consequences.
Then they spread rumors that I was the problem, that I was easy, that I'd asked for it. I learned early how quickly a story can be turned around on the girl.
I have lived with that.
There is much more to my story than that, and I don't know that I will ever choose to tell all of it publicly. But I am saying this much because when I see another story about a woman being assaulted, something in me remembers.
When I see people question her, I remember.
When I see powerful men protected, I remember.
When I see a woman's experience reduced to gossip, politics, entertainment or a headline, I remember.
These stories do not exist somewhere outside of us. For many women, they land in a place that is already tender.
Our bodies, our knowing
And there are the moments when decisions about our bodies are made by people who will never live inside them. They sit alongside all the smaller moments when women are told not to trust what they know about themselves.
Sometimes I wonder how many times a woman can hear some version of don't trust yourself before it begins to change her.
Maybe that is the part I am most tired of.
I am tired of women being taught to doubt themselves.
I am tired of watching women make themselves smaller so other people can remain comfortable.
I am tired of seeing women carry experiences they never asked for, and then carry the burden of explaining them too.
And I am tired of pretending these things don't affect me simply because they happened to someone else.
They do affect me. Sometimes a story in the news makes me angry. Sometimes it makes me afraid. Sometimes it brings back something I would rather not remember. And sometimes it simply makes me incredibly sad for the woman at the center of it.
I suspect I am not the only woman who feels this way.
So what do we do?
I don't have a perfect answer. But I know I don't want to become numb.
I want us to believe women when they tell us what happened to them.
I want us to take women's pain seriously.
I want women to feel that they can ask another question, seek another doctor, leave the room, say no, change their minds, speak up, tell someone, or trust the quiet voice inside them saying, something isn't right.
I want us to remind one another that our experiences matter.
And when one woman does decide to speak, I want there to be another woman beside her saying:
I hear you.
I believe that what happened to you matters.
You don't have to convince me that your pain is real.
Maybe that is one of the most important forms of encouragement we can give each other right now. Not advice. Not answers. Not telling another woman what she should do. Just refusing to look away.
Woman encouraging woman
SharedLife was created around the idea that women have an extraordinary amount of wisdom to offer one another.
But wisdom doesn't only come from the beautiful parts of our lives. Sometimes it comes from what we survived. Sometimes it comes from what we witnessed. Sometimes it comes from finally finding the courage to say something we've carried quietly for years.
And sometimes encouragement begins with something incredibly simple:
Maybe more of us need to say that to one another right now.
And maybe more of us need to hear it.
If this essay brought something up for you, the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: 800-656-4673 or rainn.org.
You don't have to carry it alone. Join our private circle of women who listen first. Become a free Founding Member at sharedlifedaily.com/ihearyou and get The I Hear You Guide: what to say when a woman tells you something hard.
If this brought something up for you, the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: 800-656-4673 or rainn.org.
